Closing Statement

Witness: Yeah, that's him. That's the one I saw. I'd recognize that mug anywhere."


Prosecutor:Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury;

You've heard a lot of testimonies over the past few weeks. Some of them heart-wrenching, some of them fabricated. You've heard convincing arguments encouraging you to point the finger at our bovine brethren and our pot-bellied pal the pig, but after sorting through the rhetoric and barnyard blasphemy, I think it is clear that the real culprit here, the one responsible for these heinous crimes, is none other than that animal sitting before you. The sheep.

Forget what you were told as a child. Forget the grade school images of wide-eyed, helpless quadrupeds grazing indolently on herbs and flowers. While sheep certainly appear warm and cuddly, I'll give a hundred dollars to whoever walks over to the defense table and hugs the sheep sitting there. No takers? I thought not. Ladies and gentlemen, your hesitance is not in error. You know deep inside you that the sheep on trial today is a vicious, malignant stain on society, and it's your job to make sure he never sees the light of day again. It's your civic duty to make sure he doesn't kill again.

I encourage you - the members of this jury - to remember the itchy wool sweater you Aunt Gladys gave you in the third grade. Remember how your mother used to make you wear it to school, how the other children made fun of you because the sleeves were too long. Remember how by the end of the day your neck was blistered with weeping sores and inflamed rashes. Remember this as you reach your verdict. Remember the facts.


















Exhibit A: Photo of victim 1,456.A.2 wearing the garment in question only moments before her death.


And need I mention how many nights of insomnia you've spent in your life counting sheep? And did the sheep hopping over a picket fence whisk you away to slumber? No? Well, I say that's fraudulent behavior, and I won't stand for it!.













Exhibit B: The one in the middle is the ring leader.


The defense has tried all sorts of chicanery to confuse you, but don't be mislead. Certainly there are those environmentalists who say that sheep are an excellent ruminant alternative to mowing the lawn because they run on grass not on gas. And to them I say, so does the goat. But it is not your job, ladies and gentlemen, to decide if the goat shares the blame for the horrors we've showcased for you in the past few weeks, it is not your job to impugn other guilty parties. It is only your job to decide if the sheep is guilty. And whether he acted alone or not is irrelevant, because the very fact that he acted at all is enough to put him away for good.

The prospect of sheep related death starts with stealing milk from the unweaned lamb. Sheep's milk is used to make a bevy of different comestibles from fatty, stinky cheeses like idiazabal, torta del casar, manchego, and pecorino staggionato to sheep's milk yogurt. But these dairy products made from ewe's milk are so high in fat that a direct injection of it into your blood stream would instantly kill you. Instantly! That's quick. Are you going to put that animal back on the streets and let him do this again?! Will you be able to live with yourself if you do?! Think about that.












Exhibit C: Aerial photo of the cabal congregating and colluding.

While I willfully submit to the fact that it may not be the nicest thing to do to steal milk from a lamb in order for human epicures can have a nice accoutrement to their spicy zinfandels and their Cote du Rhones, this act of petty theft certainly does not warrant the vicious extermination of the human race by sheep. When you go to deliberate, ask yourselves, do we deserve to die intravenously at the hoof of a dunderheaded, cud-chewing, syphilitic mammal? Because this is exactly what the sheep is doing to us: the fat and cholesterol in the cheese and yogurt sits in your veins like a stalwart curd, becoming more and more massive, until blood flow stops and you die. End of story. No matter how much you exercise, diet, or perform angioplasty at home with a condom and a coat hanger, you will die.


Defendant's counsel: Objection, your honor! Things like heart attacks are just God's way of telling us not to eat animal flesh! Listen to the divine voice of the food pyramid. Lima beans, okra, these are the road to salvation!

Judge: Overruled. You should know better than to object during closing statements. Please continue, counselor

Prosecutor: There it is, ladies and gentlemen. Incontrovertible evidence that sheep are trying to kill us. It's in your hands now, noble citizens. Put the ewe in the shoe. Give the ram the slam. Lock up Aries with the canaries.

I leave you with this last thought: if sheep weren't inherently guilty, then why do they say absconded criminals have "gone on the lam"? The homophone says it all.

I rest my case.