The Theatre

So, I'm housesitting for my parents for ten days and fortunately they have Netflix (that's not a plug unless Netflix would like to send me a check!) Here are my impressions of what I've seen so far...(Editor's note: Only Apocalypse Now and Caddyshack have ever received the maximum stellar rating of five stars.)

1. A Love Song for Bobby Long- starting John Travolta and the gorgeous Scarlet Johansen. Let me just put it this way: you'll be more entertained waiting for the action scene in Girl with a Pearl Earring while occasionally glancing at your Saturday Night Fever poster. (Editor's note: For those of you who haven't seen it, there is no action scene in GWAPE.)

Rating: 0.0 stars

2. David Cross: Let America Laugh - David Cross is one of those people who I laugh at because he reminds me of someone I hate but feel guilty about hating them, and I feel if I laugh I'm somehow no longer going to hell because I can take pleasure in the success of somebody I hate. Does that make any sense? Well, let's just say that the double CD "Shut the F**k Up, You Baby" is much better than the DVD created from the same tour.

Rating: 1 1/3 star if you want to laugh, 3 stars if you wanted to go to a local stand-up gig but your buddy had to work a double so he couldn't give you a ride and you got high instead.

3. Sin City: Cartoony, hot chicks, comic-like, hot chicks, yellow blood, hot chicks, black and white noir mystery, hot chicks, guys in their fifties kicking the shit out of guys in their twenties (i.e. Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke [who I think kicks more ass in this movie than he did when he tried to be a legit boxer]) and once in a while a hot chick. Think Dick Tracy meets Faces of Death with a side of Orson Welles.

Rating: 4 stars

4. I Am Trying to Break Your Heart: If you like Wilco, rent it. If you don't I hope you're enjoying the new Backstreet Boys album. P.S. Rob Thomas called, he said he thinks he's cooler than you. (Editor's note: That's low.)

Rating: 3 1/2 stars.

5. Entourage: The Series: I only have one thing to say about this HBO show: I never would have rented it had I known Mark Wahlberg was an executive producer. Did you ever see The Big Hit? Well, it's like that, minus the guns, minus the violence, and then add a bunch of New Jersey guidos transplanted to LA. Then try to make yourself care about them. Can't do it? Even after you've taken the time to remember their names? Neither could I.

Rating: Dirk Diggler was 13 inches. This show is 13 hydrogen atoms. (Editor's note: A star has at least 1 quadrillion billion billion hydrogen atoms. Margin of error: two billion atoms.)

6. The Manchurian Candidate: This remake stars Denzel Washington (playing a very good borderline schizophrenic), Liev Shreiber (playing a very good George Herbert Bush, uh...I mean, political puppet), and Meryl Streep (playing a very good sexual pervert senator who wants to jump her son's bones so badly she's willing to put the whole world at risk.) Freud meets democracy meets Illuminatis. Enjoyable.

Rating: 3 1/2 stars.

7. Collateral: Michael Mann knows how to create suspense, but will he ever do something as great as Heat? Probably not, so I'll settle for Collateral even if it is predictable and far fetched and cliched. (Oh, no...the cell phone battery dies out just as Jamie Fox is about to tell Jada Pinket Smith how to not get murdered! Such is life, right? [Editor's note: If I had a dime for every time somebody died because I didn't charge my cell phone battery the night before Donald Trump would be shining my shoes.]) I didn't really want to see this movie because of Tom Cruise's dye-job, but in the end it bothered me less than Mark Ruffalo hair, this great actor looked like he was an otter victimized by the Exxon oil spill. [Editor's note: Mark, would you like an extra quart of pomade before we shoot the next scene?]

Rating: 3 stars.

Next on the list:

1. God is Great, and I'm not...it's either a movie starring Audrey Tatou of Amelie or the one thing that's never crossed Karl Rove's thoughts.

2. Cremaster III: Neither Cremaster I nor Cremaster II have been released on DVD so I'll have to pick up this saga-esque visual journey of Masonic imagery with no dialogue in the middle. I think I'd be lost either way.

3. Oz, Season 1: Jail. I'm anticipating a male on male rape scene. Bring the kids. [Editor's note: Don't bring the kids.]

4. Da Ali G Show: If you don't love him, you don't understand what the world "culture" means and you surely don't unerstand what the words "feigned ignorance" means. And that goes for everybody, even Jacques Chirac. [Editor's note: Sorry, Jacques, I don't know what he's talking about.]

Don't forget the popcorn.