Ambergris and Other Valuable Ejaculate

Taking a break from the mind-bending derangement of storywriting, I have been, as all great lovers of fiction and maritime subjects must, reading the tome that so many consider to be the very line in the sand separating those who enjoy reading and those who believe their spirit to be made from the same mana as the books occupying the shelves of the metaphysical library. (Editor's note: The whereabouts of the Metaphysical Library are currently unknown, though experts believe it to be somewhere near the entrance to Narnia. The Metaphysical Library has the greatest selection of books on earth, though late fees are unprecedentedly steep.)

To complete the novel of which I speak demands only three things: a pathological determination to turn pages; the wide-eyed nights of the insomniac; and the delirious pursuance of existential latencies in poetic manifestations of phrase. It is the retelling of old myths, and the revelation of new ones. And, it is, uncontestedly, one of the greatest American novels of all time.*

What book, you might ask? Why Moby Dick! of course. I'll bet you thought I was talking about Where the Wild Things Are didn't you? Dirty philistines, pull your head out of the honey jar. (Editor's note: There's nothing wrong with having your head in the honey jar unless you're Winnie the Pooh, and then Mr. Rabbit will have your sugary ass in a sling.)

Moby Dick is by no means the leviathan of boredom so many believe it to be. True, it weighs in at over 600 pages, but so does the wrap sheet of Robert Downey Jr. and the transparent propaganda of one Ayn Rand. It's riveting, funny, touching, and absurd. I mean, the savage Queequeg eats his breakfast with a harpoon! What does he drink his rum with? A blubber bailer!? (Editor's note: Queequeg was unavailable for comment, though his publicist insists Queequeg drinks his rum from a glass just like everybody else, though the glass he uses is fashioned from a human skull.)

Melville's tale It is not light reading by any means, however, it is twice as compelling as anything written by the man to whom it is dedicated. (Editor's note: Nathaniel Hawthorne was a sissy boy who liked his lollies and wore bows in his hair.) Believe me, Moby Dick is a much preferred alternative to the following disappointments that have, regrettably, forced themselves into my visual field lately:

1. Oliver Stone's Alexander. I don't like Colin Farrell as a unshaven, whore-frequenting, heterosexual Irishman. I don't like him as an unshaven, murderous homosexual Greek either. There are more accents in this movie than there are euthanasia candidates on the Jerry Springer show, and not a one of them sounds Greek. Angelina Jolie is so one dimensional in everything she does it amazes me that she pulled off not one but twain movies about 2-D video-game-female-Indiana-Jones Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

2. The aftereffects of Hurricane Kartrina.

3. The end of season performance of the Minnesota Twins.

4. A naked man selling doughnuts on the freeway entry ramp. (Editor's note: The author has, under threat of perjuring himself, willfully admitted that he never saw a naked man selling doughnuts anywhere near the freeway. The man of which the author spoke was, in fact, selling Nashville Star Maps and scantily clad in a dust mask around the waist.)


*(Editor's note: Rounding out the definitive list of the Ten Greatest American novels of All Time are, in no particular order:

1. "When I Was a Kid This Was a Free Country," the autobiography of G. Gordon Liddy.

2. "The Book of Mormon."

3. "The Dukes of Hazzard Coloring Book," [author is currently in a witness protection agency to protect his identity due to the controversial nature of this banned book].

4. "A Complete Idiots Guide to Papercuts," by Solomon Crimsteb, martyr for snail mail, bled to death while licking envelopes.

5. "The Collected Sonnets of Jeff Foxworthy," by Jeff Foxworthy and Microsoft Word Spell Check.

6. "Bootylicious...and Other 4 Syllable Words I Made Up to Describe My Tooshylumpums," by Beyonce Knowles.

7. "Seuss is Satan: Green Eggs and Ham and the Devil Too,' by Jerry Falwell.

8. "Saddam Hussein's Guide to Bar Mitzvahs and Mustard Gas," by Saddam Hussein.

9. "The Guinness Book of World Records 1957"

This list was definitively cross-referenced with the Lord God himself.)