Letter Accompanying Instructions

Dear consumer,

We are pleased that someone has purchased the BizzleCo. Dehydrated Vampire Kit for you. We hope that you are an accountable child of at least 10 years of age with a great interest in biology, necrology, and cryptology, as raising a vampire from a hairless rat-like nub to a sanguinary killing machine should not just be seen as a source of entertainment. Children who raise vampires develop necessary skills in leadership, accountability, caretaking, and tend to score higher on standardized tests. You have a great future ahead of you and a lot of fun too!

With just one 55 gallon container, a steady supply of water, and a little determination you too can have your very own vampire in no time. Within six weeks of thawing the cryogenically frozen ovum, you will have full-grown vampire. While all the other little brats on your block are growing sea monkeys and shagging fly balls, you'll be busy as a bee nurturing your own necromantic infant. Train him right, feed him often, and keep him out of direct sunlight and you'll have a veritable creature of the preternatural in no time. And a vampire is twice as much fun as a dog. Don't believe me? Here's a comment we received from a very satisfied customer:

A vampire is twice as much fun as a dog!
Smith M., Duluth, MN

There are a few ground rules before we start. We recommend that every child watch Gremlins and Child's Play as an educational tool. Pay attention to how terribly things go in these movies. Department stores are torn asunder, theaters are destroyed, and people get bitten. Take every necessary precaution while growing a vampire. Unleashing a plague of ill-begotten vampires onto an unsuspecting city could have dire results. A vampire should never be treated like a toy. It is definitely not a toy. It is a sacrilegious plaything. There is a difference, okay? Good. Let's get started.

You'll notice in your dehydrated vampire kit there is a bag that looks like it is filled with dirt. It is indeed filled with a nutrient rich soil that will be critical in the incubation stage of the vampire, the stage in which the fetus of the vampire develops. During this stage it is critical that you do not smoke or drink around your fetal bat-baby, or serious side effects could be incurred. For example, here is a user report from Donny B. In Denver, Co...

I made the mistake of hosting a party at my house and was careless with my incubating tank. Apparently one of my guests thought the vampire tank was a trash receptacle. Several full bottles of beer were thrown into the tank. The effects of this breach were not seen until several months later. There were manifold problems. We ended up having to terminate the vampire. A few of the many disturbances caused by the introduction of alcohol: the vampire complained of being constantly hungover, he preferred to feed on unsanitary vagrants and would routinely come up to me and slur drunkenly, "You, you...I know you. You guy. You." Do yourself a favor and grow your vampire as directed.

Thanks, Donny.

Now that mommy and daddy have agreed you're of an age where you're responsible enough to have a pet, it must be said that a vampire is a huge responsibility. Never neglect your vampire, as this may lead him to become depressed and inclined toward drug use. Don't spoil your vampire either. A spoiled vampire is worse than a spoiled child. It will refuse to leave the house and whine until goats, lambs, and doves are brought to him for consumption. Given that vampires need to feed several times a week, this can be quite a demanding task. And wouldn't it be a pain to have to spend all of your allowance on sacrificial farm animals instead of ice cream and popcorn? If you raise your vampire correctly, it will feed on its own, have a healthy attitude toward life, appreciate the benefits of the DARE program, and read literature instead of vegging out on television.

There's no telling how much fun you and your vampire will have. Follow the directions carefully, register your vampire with the proper authorities using the serial number on the included test tube, and don't be afraid to nurture him or her. Be forewarned that the period while the vampire is teething can be a very stressful time for both the vampire and the "parent." Patience and ice slivers are the keys to success.

BizzleCo. surrenders all rights and legal obligations included therein to the purchaser of the dehydrated vampire kit. Occasionally during manufacturing, werewolf and/or zombie fetuses are mistakenly shipped in the place of vampire. Should this occur, BizzleCo. will send an extermination team to remove the unwanted organism from the premises and a replacement vampire will be awarded free of charge.