Friendly Fire? or Only Shoot the Naughty Parts

Earlier today, Vice President Dick Cheney shot his 78-year old hunting buddy Harry Whittington in the face with a shotgun. When asked why he fired upon his friend, Cheney had this to say:

"When Congress passed the Patriot Act they essentially gave the president and myself the power to secure American safety by any means necessary. Recent reports from the intelligence community indicated that Mr. Whittington's face was a covert al'Qaeda agent, and it was my civic duty as vice-president to rid America of this epidermal terror. Fortunately for the rest of Mr. Whittington's body and the American public, the insidious half of Mr. Whittington's face, more specifically the right half, was successfully terminated."

Doctors reported that little or no damage was incurred by Mr. Whittington's more loyal anatomy.

Mr. Cheney said he was at first skeptical of the intelligence indiciting Mr. Whittington, as he had been the vice president's friend for years. "I'd known his face a long time and, save for a wandering mole, always found it agreeable and staunchly pro-American," Mr. Cheney said.

However, when Mr. Whittington said he was considering following his doctor's advice to eat less pork, the vice president became convinced his friend's face really had turned to the dark side of Islam. It was then that Mr. Cheney discharged his weapon.

A photo of Mr. Whittington's face, second from left, enjoying a three-piece meal and slaw with known terrorists.

When questioned about specific ties linking Mr. Whittington's face to al'Qaeda, Cheney stated that the British intelligence had satellite photos of Mr. Whittington's face dining with senior al'Qaeda member Ayman al-Zawahiri at a KFC in 2003, and more recently the NSA had intercepted phone calls where Mr. Whittington's face had discussed the possibility of bombing numerous GAP and Banana Republic stores in the Baltimore-D.C. area. According to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, this plan, referred to as Operation Well-Dressed Menace in the official transcripts of Mr. Whittington's telephone conversations, was thwarted thanks to the NSA's recent, and constitutionally questionable, wire-tapping program. When pressed further by members of the Judiciary Committee, Mr. Gonzales could not confirm that it was, in fact, the right half of Mr. Whittington's face that had made the calls and not the more patriotic left. However, Gonzales also noted that Mr. Whittington's face had been spotted eating falafel on more than one occassion

In related news, France's Isabelle Dinoire, the world's first recipient of a face transplant, is concerned that her new cheeks, lips, and nose may similarly retaliate against her own politics. When questioned about the issue, Ms. Dinoire's doctors assured her, and the global community, that the selection process for potential donors insisted that qualified candidates be either apolitical or sympathetic to the Western bastardization of all things sacred.

To read the full Yahoo report, click here