Measure of Maturity

Have you ever been told to act your age? What exactly does this mean? Where does one go to find out what behavior accompanies 25 revolutions around our solar father-in-Copernican-law? The county clerk? The national archives? Is there some worldly encyclopedia that houses this arcane knowledge? If so, I'd like to see the articles printed within. And while I'm at it, I think I'll look up the recipe for mana.

It's general knowledge that infants cry, teenagers rebel, and the elderly become incontinent, slow drivers, and fans of disgraceful television programs like "Golden Girls" and "The Price is Right." But the area in between birth and death is rather nebulous. Ergo, the midlife crisis; because people don't often know what's expected of them, they act erratically, as though they're lost in their own skin. They get plastic surgery to look younger or by sports cars that resemble Skittles in both shape and color. Modern media claims that "40 is the new 30." Not only is this a mathematical impossibility, but also a vagary, for what is expected of people in their 40s and 30s anyway?

The fact of the matters is "Act your age" doesn't really mean anything at all, because a) we can't literally act like a number (aside from configuring are arms and legs in such a way that our body comes to resemble the symbol) and b) there's no guidebook informing us of what is expected of being 20, 30, 60, or 98.

Telling someone to act like they've existed for X amount of time on this earth is an ambiguous command. If everyone behaves like a child now and again, if being immature once in a while is part of the norm, then people really are acting their age whenever they have a fit of some sort. Those who are always in control, who never yell, stomp, or throw temper tantrums, never cry when they skin their knees, never pull other people's hair and never refuse to share are boring. "Act your age," or "grow up," really means, "Stop acting the way your acting." And who are we to tell this to another person who isn't our own genetic replication? Or ourself?

The quiz below will help determine without a reasonable doubt if you are a mature. The results are indisputable. The test does not claim, however, to inform you as to whether or not you "act your age." If not treated like a serious scientific instrument, misappropriation of the quiz may lead to temporary blindness, bloating, an insatiable sweet tooth, and economic depression in Latin America.

Add up the points in the parentheses when you are finished and compare your score to the Maturity Table at the bottom of the page.

1) When someone says you have a "youthful spirit" you:
a. take it to mean you have a lot of energy and are in pretty good shape (10)
b. see it as a free pass to scream "You're not the boss of me!" to policemen and judges. (1)
c. thank your plastic surgeon for doing such a great job with your last Botox injection. (5)
d. hold your breath until you either get what you want or pass out. (0)

2) When forced to wait in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles or the bank you...
a. become increasingly enraged with every passing minute and say things like, "What could possibly be taking so long!" and "If this line doesn't move in the next sixty seconds I'm leaving!" (4)
b. understand because the world doesn't always work the way you want it to and the tellers are doing things as quickly and efficiently as their reptilian minds will allow. (10)
c. sympathize with the tellers because if you were only earning $5.75 an hour you wouldn't be in a rush to expedite people's transactions either. (5)
d. hold your breath until your number is called or you pass out. (0)

3) If somebody from your carpool offers to take you to work and then cancels the morning of you...
a. badmouth them to another friend and poke pins through the eyes of their family Christmas photo. (2)
b. become aggressive while driving yourself to work, frequently flipping off other drivers, honking your horn, and making scary devil faces at the little kid in the car in front of you WHO JUST WON'T GO THE FREAKING SPEED LIMIT! (2)
c. understand and inquire as to whether or not your carpool will pick you up tomorrow. (10)
d. hold your breath until the ambulance arrives and takes you the hospital. Then call in sick to work. (0)

4) If you could weigh your patience it would weigh the same as...
a. a grain of sand. (2)
b. a small dog with beady eyes and little white fangs. (4)
c. a stereotypical male from Detroit. (8)
d. the Indian subcontinent. (10)
e. you're holding your breath until the next question because this one has upset you so much. (0)

5) When your boss gives you more tasks than you can manage, you...
a. become organized and diligent and prepare as best you can. (10)
b. go drink to help you forget about how much work you have to do and, while drunk, threaten to stab your boss in the neck with a salad fork. (3)
c. object to having so much work but in a professional manner. (6)
d. hold your breath until you get workmen's compensation, then enjoy your days off by burning ants with a magnifying glass. (0)

6) By the time someone is forty they should...
a. be able to bathe themselves to a moderate degree of success. (4)
b. have settled down, birthed kids, worked 10 years at a full-time job, bought a house, bought two cars and learned to smile falsely every time someone makes a cliched quip. (8)
c. be making at least six figures. Unless you didn't go to college. Then you should at least be the manager at whatever fast food restaurant you work at. (6)
d. be a veteran at holding their breath until they get what they want. (0)

7) In my spare time I like to...
a. read books with pictures. (4)
b. read books without pictures. (6)
c. write books. (8)
d. eat unidentifiable objects I find in the park. (1)
e. hold my breath until the pictures in the books get sparkly and blurry. (0)

Now add up all of your points.

If Maturity were an evolutionary specimen you would be...

0 points The primordial ooze's sneeze.
1-5 points A viral burden to society.
6-12 points An invertebrate resembling a snail.
13-25 points A Rat-like insectivore.
26-35 points Wallace Shawn without thumbs.
36-40 points CroMagnon Man.
41-53 points Modern Man.
54-70 points Space Man with jetpacks.