Curious Gorge & the Man With the Yellow Fat

At 22 years of age Joey Chestnut is America's top dog of digestion.

Chestnut is a competitive eater and a good old boy from San Jose. He's garnered comparisons to Roger Clemens (for unknown reasons, for he is neither fat, old, unkempt, nor particularly athletic) and great white sharks (another unlikely comparison, for he is neither equipped with gills, rows upon rows of teeth, nor dorsal fins). While one would think Hebrew National or Oscar Mayer would certainly be itching to enlist Chestnut to the growing ranks of celebrity athletes they sponsor, Chestnut is a lone ranger. He works construction to pay the bills instead of accepting handouts from multi-national corporations. He's a self-sufficient man. But when it comes to free food, Joey'll stuff as much of it into his mouth within a given time as humanly possible.

When Chestnut's not building homes or stirring concrete, he's chewing. And when he's not chewing he's swallowing. And when he's doing none of the above he's daydreaming of unhinging his jaw and swallowing a whole suckling pig. He makes Cool Hand Luke look like a predinner nibbler and the feast in Petronius's Satyricon look like a light lunch.



Chestnut spent this past fourth of July in NYC in the pursuit of a victory for the ages. On the day that commemorates our nation's formal declaration of independence from our friends across the pond, Chestnut was a true patriot. He stuffed his face for you, for me, and for all our soldiers overseas. He stuffed his face for freedom. He stuffed his face to prove that "freedom of eats" is just as important as "freedom of speech" and that along with baring arms, every American should be permitted to bare a distended stomach and a swollen colon regardless of color or creed.

As is tradition, this fourth of July was honored by Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog Competition. In this time-tested gauntlet of the gullets, Chestnut went head to head with Takero Kobayashi, a professional eater from Japan who has been hailed the Babe Ruth of professional eating. Comparing Kobayashi to "the Babe" makes more sense than the comparisons made about Chestnut, as Kobayashi and the Great Bambino both resembled ruminant animals while engaged in sport.



The crowds gathered outside Nathan's for the challenge. They cheered. They demanded an American victory. They wore rainslickers should any of the participants spray partially-digested pork hooves and relish on them in a Gallagher-esque fashion. But on the day America was born, on the day our forefather's said, "Hey you Brits, go back to your home on whore island!" Chestnut was unable to bring home the gold for his countrymen. I was disappointed and so was the the nation as a whole. Shamed animals in the northern sector began hibernating early. News from South Dakota reports that the busts on Mt. Rushmore were heard sobbing from as far away as Omaha. Guam put their American commonwealth status to a vote. And foreign embassies lowered the American flag to half mast.

We can't really blame Joey Chestnut for his failings; he was slated to compete against Kobayashi, the greatest eater of all time. Chestnut gave it his all and ate an impressive 52 hot dogs in 12 minutes, a personal best for the munching monster. Kobayashi became the repeat weiner winner by besting Chestnut's four baker's dozens by two dogs. Woof! Woof!

If you ever happen to meet Joey "Jaws" Chestnut, let him know that you support his cause and that you'll be watching him next year. Let him know that his eating makes America proud. It's what makes corn grow and birds fly. But should you feel compelled to ask him questions keep them simple, because while Joey's an award-winning competitor of shoving things in his mouth, he has trouble when things are expected to come out of it. For example, he was recently quoted as saying:

"Competitive eating is a reason to stay in school."

Never before has there been a more effective slogan for education. It's just too bad Joey Chestnut didn't speak out sooner. He could have saved scores of high school drop-outs the ignominy of leaving school because they only ever received high marks during Lunch and Snack Time.

Additional footnote of idiocy: In the tradition of ironic and nonsensical things uttered by sports announcers, one of the commentators selected to give a play-by-play recount of Nathan's bulimic festival remarked that "a bear was the only person who's ever beaten Kobayashi at eating."