Overusing the Word "Village" for Degrading Purposes

Or
Don't Piss Off the Bears, It Only Makes Them Sarcastic

Dear readers,

A few months ago I undertook an assignment to write the Buzz column for L.F. magazine. The column consisted of drafting witty briefs regarding the goings on in relation to the Albuquerque food scene. As happens with printed materials, I printed a mistake in my first Buzz. The error I made was in using Rio Rancho (an Albuquerque suburb of no specific importance) in the place of Los Ranchos (another, smaller Albuquerque suburb of even less importance). In response to my errata, I received the following letter. As a cathartic exercise I wrote a follow-up, though have yet to send the letter off and crush the spirit of my critic. Why have I hesitated in sending this letter to my critic? Well, because it's rather cruel and unusual and a bit after the fact. And I'm not sure if I'm petty enough to actually need to send the letter. Maybe I've grown up a bit. But maybe I am that petty. Or maybe I'm just bitter. I don't know. Based on your comments, I'll allow the readers to decide for me whether L.M.'s harsh words should be dignified. And so we begin.

The Flagrant Folly
When eating salmon, it’s less important to know the mariner jargon for commercial salmon - king salmon is chinook, silver is coho, and red is sockeye - than it is to know that the salmon you’ve poached, grilled, or stuffed into the broiler is good for you. Adhering to the credo that wild is best, [prefers to remain unnamed], also known as the [company name], is a veteran angler who catches Pacific salmon and sells it to conscientious consumers and eco-friendly restaurateurs. Making an appearance every Saturday in May at the Rio Rancho Grower’s Market, [Mr. Unnamed] will be available from 7 - 11 a.m. to take orders and fill you to the gills with everything you ever wanted to know about Alaskan salmon but were afraid to ask. He’ll also field queries about 100% grass-fed New Mexico beef. Bonus holistic tidbit: According to the company website eating fish can help battle certain psychological disorders, which may or may not be your cup of tea depending on how much you enjoy those nature walks with your flashbacks.


The Response to the Flagrant Folly
Hi Eric:

I've just been reading the May issue of L.F., which I usually enjoy, especially your "the Buzz" column. But this time you have made a major error, and I hope you will see fit to correct it in the next issue.

[A vendor, who prefers to remain unnamed], is mentioned as appearing in the Rio Rancho Growers' Market.

Now, Eric, every month I produce a thirty page magazine, the Village Vision, for the Village of Los Ranchos de Albuquerque, so I know about getting your facts straight in print. I also volunteer every Saturday morning at the the Los Ranchos Growers' Market. [The unnamed party and his marital partner] are vendors at our market, so I know them well. [The unnamed party] will be appearing as guest chef at the Market on May 20th, demonstrating salmon and spring greens.

Eric: as far as I know there is NO Growers' Market in Rio Rancho!! The Los Ranchos Growers' Market takes place at 6718 Rio Grande Blvd., next to the Los Ranchos Village Hall, surrounded by lush green fields and folks actually growing crops in them. We're next to the river, not up on a dusty mesa. In case you've never heard of the Village of Los Ranchos de Albuquerque, we're on every official map, including AAA. We were incorporated in 1958, and we have a Mayor, a Board of Trustees, and our very own Fire Department. We have what many folks tell us is the best Growers' Market in the area. And we have [the unnamed party]!

Now that you've sent your readers off to the wrong town, perhaps we should invite you to come and visit our wonderful Market. We have lots of vendors, and an Arts and Crafts Market, too. We have great music each week by an assortment of very talented performers, we have various experts on things related to growing and water, and we have a guest chef every month. In August, for example, our guest chef is Jennifer James, who comes every year to demonstrate creative things to do with our superb produce.

Sound like fun? It is, and you're invited to visit. Perhaps you'd like to do an article for L.F. on our wonderful Market. Our next big celebration (we have several of these each summer) happens on May 20th. It's Old Vehicle Day, when the Model A Club, some model Ts, and various other old and interesting vehicles turn up. We usually have a car from the Unser Racing Museum (that's in the Village of Los Ranchos, too, and if you haven't been there, you should go!), too. And you can meet [the unnamed party], if you haven't already done so.

By the way, the Village of Los Ranchos de Albuquerque enjoys the presence of several very nice restaurants, some of which you may know. Indulgence Cafe is a favorite breakfast and lunch spot, Sadie's provides wonderful New Mexico specialties, El Camino also does New Mexican food (and has the best red chile!), and the Calico Cafe, late of Corrales, has just opened its brand new reincarnation in our Village. We can't compete with Graze and Fuego and Joseph's Table, but our friend, Jennifer James, thinks we're just fine!

So come visit, Eric - but first of all, please make that correction! Los Ranchos is not Rio Rancho!

Sincerely,

L.M.
Volunteer Coordinator, The Village Vision



[Editor's Note: L.M. carbon-copied the above letter to the mayor of Los Ranchos and somebody named S. Brawley]


The Rough Response to the Response to the Flagrant Folly

L.M.l;

Let me thank you first and foremost for your correction to the May Buzz column published in L.F.. I would have written sooner but was prevented from speaking my piece by my own ethics, as I did not want my words to damage the reputation of L.F. magazine. Now that I am no longer under this publication's employ, I have elected to respond freely. Let me assure you that nothing I'm about to say reflects the views and attitudes of any man or machine at L.F.. Below you'll find my opinions and my opinions alone. That being said...

I can assure you that as soon as I caught wind of the error you so politely pointed out I wept endlessly. How could I have made such colossal error? (A MAJOR error as you put it, which indeed it was!) Los Ranchos and Rio Rancho? How these two culturally, ethnically, and geographically distinct townships have become linked in my mind really is a marvel. Why, they're as different as Belgium and the Belgian Congo, they are. Worlds apart. Paint my face crimson and call me Scarlet, for I am ashamed and embarrassed and ashamed.

True, I did make in print print - it happens. But allow me to correct you on a few points of error that YOU made. If you pay attention to what I have to say, which I doubt you will or are capable of doing, you just might make life a little easier for those unfortunate few with whom you are acquainted. Had it not been for your superior attitude, your tactless approach toward resolution, and your assumption of my ignorance, I would have been more empathetic to your cause. As it stands, your indecent calumny was arrogant and crass, and so I am responding in kind. I take full responsibility for the mistake, which is why MY email was listed with the article. And for those curious patrons who were confused by the error and had enough wherewithal to contact me, I pointed them in the right direction. So you see, the chances of someone circling Rio Ranch in utter bewilderment (as I'm sure you were horrified would happen), looking in vain for the fantastical Rio Rancho Grower's Market, are pretty slim. And the telephone number and URL printed with the article (which, I might add, were both correct) offered other ways of confirming where the event was to take place. Anyone with any sense would surely do some legwork and find out where the Grower's Market was located before embarking on an epic quest to find it. We're not talking about El Dorado or the Fountain of Youth here, we're talking about vegetable stands. And for those people foolish enough to blindly wonder around Rio Rancho without ever stopping to ask for directions or call the provided telephone number, well, the effects of Darwinian fitness will swiftly and justly take care of their ilk.

You mentioned that you usually enjoy reading MY Buzz column. Is that so? This is where the authority of your argument lost all its footing because, you see, the May Buzz was the first buzz I ever penned. So it would have been physically impossible for you to enjoy my Buzz prior to this event. So unless you - in the middle of May - read the future June Buzz via some mystical orb of prescience that I have yet to encounter, you too made a mistake. See how easy it is to do? It happens to the best of embarrassed is where YOU get become ashamed and embarrassed and ashamed and get bucked from your high horse.)

Your second mistake was in assuming that I've never been to Los Ranchos. Despite what you might think, I have indeed been to the plush utopia you described. And a much delayed congrats for having your "village" printed on every official map, including AAA maps. You truly are on the up and up. I see only good things for you and your village kin. And should I come to visit your village again, I'll surely send a messenger to announce my visit so your village watchmen can lower the village drawbridge for me in a villagey fashion.

I'm sure you're pretty steamed by now and saying things to the effect of, "I never..." and "Was I really so curt?" and "What nerve!" I've been writing a good many years and have been called a lot of nasty things (a Nazi, a demonizer, a dirty liberal), and am usually able to brush off comments from dregs such as yourself and those who write with such impoverished decorum, but I'll take it upon myself to give you this sage advice in an effort to spare my writer brethren contact from you in the future: should you ever feel the need to contact a newspaperman or woman again, say what you have to say without being such a clod. We hate making mistakes in print - we really do - but we certainly don't need doddering old shrews rubbing our faces in them as though we are a puppy who went woopsy! on the carpet.

And if you'd like to forward my response to his highness the mayor of Los Ranchos as you did with your original message, be my guest. Given that he received your first correspondence he familiar with your attitudes, and allowing him to read my response to your hastily scrawled platitudes will surely bring a smile to his face, as it will assure him that his impression of you as an officious busybody is a minority opinion.

Have a truly splendid day.

Sincerely,

Eric Howerton