January 3, 2006, 9:35 p.m. Live Radio News Update

This just in...

The results of the International 3-Day Novel Contest have just been announced, and America's very own Bizzle Fitz was bestowed with honors. The annual contest, often likened to an invasive surgical procedure performed with a pen, is an anguished marathon of writing and self-torment. Two-thousand-five was the first year Mr. Fitz competed in the contest, and his training regimen consisted of drinking inordinate amounts of bourbon and performing no more than 10 push-ups a day.

Though Bizzle, representing America and the Libertarian party throughout the trials and tribulations of the gruelling affair - was not announced as the contest's clear winner, he did indeed proudly defeat hundreds of Canadians and other relatively unknown nationalities who deserve to be mocked. Mr. Fitz, was shortlisted as one of the contest's Honorable Mentionees. Mr. Fitz, 25 years young and strong as a feeble ox, had this to say at a press conference held at an undisclosed location somewhere beneath the earth's mantle (transcripts of the press conference were released by a Spanish seismologist whose Geiger counter happened to pick up the sonic reverberations):

"While I wanted to crush all of my opponents in stunning victory and quaff the curdled blood of the petty losers, winning for the sake of winning is like vomit for the sake of falconers. But I swear on the sanctity of St. Vincent Bazzle that my performance in the contest next year will be one for the ages. Historians may as well ready their pens, for when I conquer the International 3-Day Novel Contest in 2006 I will leave so many decimated bodies in my wake I will henceforth be known as the most dangerous writer since the discovery of Hitler's diaries. One word, nay, one letter from my novels will cause your eyes, ear, and throat to erupt into cankerous sores. And your brain will ache for days and no amount of aspirin will save you."

In an attempt to ring in the frenetic author, Mr. Fitz's personal assistant, Devunkel Studebaker, threw a bucket of sangria on the bucking word-smith, rendering Mr. Fitz sane and wet. After collecting his senses and flogging Mr. Studebacker with a gutted trout, Mr. Fitz apologized for his outrageous behavior and closed the press conference with the following."

"True, I would have preferred to be annointed with fragrant herbs and a garland of freshly cut buckwheat, I would have found great honor in being appointed 3-Day Grammarian of the Year, but I will, humbly accept an honorable mention from the International 3-Day Novel Contest with great pride and copious amounts of humility and an air of superciliousness nearly, but not entirely, balancing an extravagant display of modesty that radiates my superiority over the hoipolloi. Now out of my way, I have an honorable mention to celebrate."

Mr. Fitz, nearly unknown in the literary world save for small circles of the unfortunate who come within earshot, completed his cumbersome novel "The One-Way Rejuvenation of Allowishus Scrimshaw" in just under 72 hours. The novel, didacting the exploits of a salacious cheese-lover, will make its inaugural appearance on this very site within a few days' time. Mr. Studebaker told the Associated Press that Mr. Fitz will cursorily edit the novel and publish it piecemeal - chapter by chapter - until it is available in its entirety.

On a lighter note, Mr. Fitz successfully completed his New Year's Resolution for the year 2005 to refrain from swallowing his bubblegum. Mr. Fitz has yet to inform the press of his resolution for 2006, however, when he does, The Hereafter Radio will be there to cover the story.

This is Noumena Phenomena reporting for K-ABSRD Radio, Madrid.

End transmission.